Answered Interruptions

She left for America kicking and screaming. She almost

seemed to forget she had willingly submitted the

application herself, the consequences of her own choices

eclipsed by her principled commitment to pleasing others.

She had already made up her mind on the culture, the

ethics, the lack of public transportation, America’s blind

devotion to faith, and distrust in community—or in

anything else she seemed to value, for that matter.

THERE [06:13]

Just give it a shot darling.

there [06:14]

You will love it.

It had become a point of pride to drag her feet the whole

way across the Atlantic ocean – at once a reflection of her

fear of departure, and a performance for those left behind.

Her belief in the expansiveness of her own worldviews

only grew stronger as she sat there alone, picking at her

mac and cheese with the cheap plastic cutlery from the

student hall, convinced of the unfounded judgement she

had already made about her classmates. Unlike the

coddled, the sheltered, and the suburb-raised, she was

opinionated, well-traveled, and multilingual. Although she

would never perceive the irony in it, she relentlessly

devoured American exports and regurgitated its

progressive rhetoric into critiques of her stiff home

systems. She grew up going to punk shows filled with

thoughtful addicts, was given the freedom to walk home

late at night giggling with her girlfriends, hiding from

lurking men in cars. She tells people she almost got into a

street fight once. In reality, she stood petrified as a man

threatened to punch her in the face. Within the confines of

her rituals, she might as well have been free to do anything.

Somehow, the anything she falteringly chose became

America. Upon her arrival, the expansiveness of choice

became foreign, like she, wondering how it could be that

her effortlessness now felt unwieldy and misplaced.

missedcall[13:03]

here [13:04]

hey!

here [13:05]

have a min to catch up? walk and talk?

there [20:23]

hey!

there [20:23]

sorry i stopped answering

there [20:24]

i went grocery shopping

there [20:24]

and picked up my dry cleaning

there [20:25]

and then had no hands left

there [20:25]

to text you back

She spends most of her first year alone. Still, she hears it

over and over. Wow, she sounds so American now, her

loved ones back home say. She can hear her grandmother’s

disapproving pout from the other end of the line. There was

no possible interpretation in which this could not be

perceived as an insult. She wondered how the body

could display perceptible change, in the bending of

the palate and the curving of the tongue, when the

mind didn't yet belong. For the very first time, her

neighborhood Thai spot brings out her regular order

without handing over a menu. Welcome home, she

thinks. The Khao Soi tastes better here.

here [11:28]

i just woke up

here [11:28]

stayed out late with a new friend last night!!

here [11:28]

sorry i missed your call

She is visiting home for winter break, back at the

punk club where beers cost 50 cents and regulars

keep an eye out, gathering protectively around

lurking threats. As her friends debate on politics and

shame the country she chose to migrate her life to,

she sits mute and embarrassed, thinking, you know,

it’s actually not as bad as they think. People are

smart and politically minded and disagree with the

systems in place there, too. She thinks back to the

first American friend she made, boisterous, loud and

unlike anyone she would have anticipated loving,

who boxed up and packed her whole apartment in a

time of need, no questions asked. She wonders if

the European socially endorsed lamenting would

have restrained her childhood friends from doing

the same. She doesn’t say any of this to her

confidants and their much older boyfriends - with

years of law school and international relations uni

under their belt. Out loud, she tells them that

anyways, the country’s context is different. Now

that she has been there a few years, she’s learned

from the futile attempts of scaling socialist systems

and collectivist outlooks to the sheer newness and

expanse of America, she adds. Well, ultimately, he

suggests, she is still upholding the standards of a

morally abject institution that promotes war waging,

job insecurity and the privatization of public

sectors, and that’s something only she can decide

whether or not she is ok with. She moves away

from the grime-caked wall, leaving space for the

couple now grinding up against it. She sees what he

means, but like, who isn't really. Our politicians

may have more decorum but the institutions are

rotten all the same. Yea haha true. Want another

beer? Anyways, it's not like she’s intending to stay

there more than just through school, the education is

great but she doesn’t see herself there forever. They

all nod in understanding. She takes a sip of her

Rothaus pilsner and soothes her insecurity, suddenly

so self-aware of the tenseness in her jaw, by

checking her phone.

there [00:25]

it's ok mama go to bed, i have my keys

there [00:25]

i think i'll head home soon

there [00:25]

i'm about done here

there [00:26]

love you

there [00:26]

sleep tight

there [00:23]

Hi honey.

there [00:23]

Your father has fallen asleep in front of the TV again

there [00:24]

Any idea when you might head home?

there [00:26]

Love you baby girl.

there [00:26]

I got you some of your favorite lemon yoghurts

there [00:26]

Theyre're in the fridge.

She looks up at these people she loves, with whom

she spent her most formative teenage nights, nights

which tasted of Döner, discount chocolate, and

hand-rolled cigarettes, discussing philosophy and

politics and moving weightless through the emptied

streets of her birthplace, until they decided to finally

do the dishes and go to bed with sunrise. She thinks

about how, with just a little perspective, their

venerated open-mindedness seems dreadfully

narrow now.

here [15:54]

hey! i'm so sorry this is long overdue

bbbbbbbbzzzzzzzzzz.bbbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

She is in bed with an American boy. A boy who

yesterday, picked up a rock in the shape of a heart,

and effortlessly gifted it to her. She wakes up from

the sound of her buzzing phone early in the

morning, after an inebriated house party. She stares

frozen at her screen, unsure of her own resolve.

here [07:32]

wow, hey

here [07:32]

it's so nice to hear from you

here [07:48]

I really appreciate you reaching out. I missed you too

here [08:01]

i've been really good actually. I finally made friends. i'm starting to feel happy

here [08:04]

how are you?

here [08:13]

i'm sorry to hear that

here [08:14]

what's it like?

here [08:28]

We talked about this already

there [08:31]

i dont know what to say to you

there [08:31]

we're 20

there [08:31]

this is not the kind of life i want

there [13:32]

How are you?

there [13:46]

Ya. idk

there [13:47]

I guess i missed you and hoped you were doing well.

there [13:56]

...

there [14:12]

I'm alright. School has been rough.

there [14:25]

I don't understand why we couldn't make it work.

there [14:31]

so youre just gonna give up then

She looks over to the Tom Sawyer look-alike sound

asleep by her side. She quietly puts her phone back

on the milk crate that functions as this American

boy’s night stand, rolls over into his arms and goes

back to sleep.

here [15:32]

hey sorry i stopped answering

here [15:32]

i was getting my hair cut

here [15:32]

felt rude to the hairdresser somehow

She hasn’t stood up from her desk in hours. She

forgot to eat lunch. She is on her third cup of coffee,

which by now has fully substituted water in her

diet. It's probably fine because she read somewhere

the net outcome still results in hydration from the

water needed to brew the coffee. She can’t really

remember what the source was but dismisses her

doubts, rubs her carpal tunnel and keeps clicking

away, masking the pixels on her monitor. Her first

full-time job, coveted and glamorous, will

eventually reveal itself as deceiving. She won’t

realize until a few years later that this is how it

usually goes. For now, she still feels the intensity of

the most urgent and completely deferrable task in

the world. Her phone rings.

there [18:01]

i miss you, we haven't talked in forever

there [18:01]

also this is so us lol :

[meme]

She looks at the bonding effort on her small screen.

She smiles. Glances at the time. She’ll respond

later.

here [18:04]

hey bb, how are you doing

here [18:05]

i just got off work

here [18:05]

horrible day

here [18:05]

can i call?

missedcall[18:14]

there [07:13]

Noooooooo I'm sorry I was in bed already. I'll call you when I get off work

missedcall[13:02]

here [13:14]

i'm sorry, i cant, i just hopped on a work call

here [13:14]

This client is being so frustating

here [13:14]

i'll call you back when i get off

there [19:14]

okkkkkkk

missedcall[17:56]

here [17:57]

you must be in bed already

here [17:57]

Sorry the call went long...

here [17:57]

Call me tomorrow when you have a free sec

Out of sight out of mind couldn’t have been

proclaimed by someone who dwells. It is absolutely

never out of mind, she thinks.

missedcall[15:13]

there [15:13]

Can you call me back? Have a request for your grandfather's 80th. 😘🌈

She swivels around on her desk chair, reaching for

her phone and spills coffee all over her keyboard.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

She falters, flailing hands, looking left to right for a

solution to her self-inflicted misfortune. She

despairs at the frequency of these mishaps and her

incapacity to correct her deep-seated bad habits.

She settles on using the pillow from the bed, with

its sides flush against three different bedroom walls,

and the fourth touching her desk. She uses part of

her place of rest to clean up the messes she leaves in

her wake. Well, that kind of worked. She looks at

the cold brew soaked pillow, the same one her

mother had bought her from the mall when she first

moved to America six years ago. She glances at the

clock, not yet adjusted to last month’s daylight

savings, and sighs at the chaos that has already

permeated her day at 9:13AM. She forgets to

answer her grandmother’s text.

here [18:54]

hey! sorry just seeing this

[CalendarReminder:Interview]

She is getting ready for her interview and carefully

blow drying her hair, putting each warm strand in a

curler. She learned how online (the substitute for

information typically passed down from mothers to

daughters). She starts early, because she is always

late. Somehow, still, she fills up all that time with

non-pressing, arbitrary tasks that suddenly feel

itching to her. She sorts the coins that have been

sitting on the desk since she moved to her fourth

New York apartment. She unscrews the kitchen

cupboards with the intent to paint them verdigris.

Had they lived in the same country, she and her

friend would have surely painted the cupboards

together over gossip and wine, like they used to do.

Her wandering thoughts remind her she forgot to

answer a pressing matter.

here [09:17]

I’m so sorry i forgot to answer this

here [09:17]

i feel terrible

here [09:19]

I think so

here [09:20]

I just gotta double check

there [15:18]

I think you’re obsessed by this sense of obligation

there [15:18]

Just answer, its as simple as that

there [15:19]

So are those dates good for you?

there [15:20]

Double check what

She suddenly remembers the original task at hand.

She checks the time, realizes she would have been

on time to the interview, 5 minutes ago. She pulls

out the hair curlers from the half of her head she got

to, ties it back in a bun and scruambles to the

subway, which, expectedly, is running 7 min late.

She can’t help but think of the irony of heart attacks

and suicides, always happening the days she can’t

get her life together.

Goodmorning█████████!Ihopeyouarewellandhadawonderfulweekend!IamsorrytoinformyouthatLtrainsareexperiencingsignificantdelaysduetoanaccident.Iamterriblysorryfortheinconveniencethismaycause!Imaybeafewminuteslatetoourmeeting.Sincerestapologies.

Annoyed at herself, she unlocks her phone

manually after face ID fails twice, and swallows the

cost of a rush hour taxi to Manhattan.

Howhaveyoubeen?Haveyoukeptintouch?|

She thinks of her two friends almost every day, yet

she hasn't texted in years. After slow

back-and-forths, they eventually stopped initiating,

too. She now realizes she lost their numbers along

with her last shattered phone, years ago. She had

told herself she would never miss someone so

deeply yet lack the courage to do anything about it.

She has grown to understand the weight of passing

time and extending space.

here [13:23]

omg what happened???

here [13:23]

is everything ok?

there [19:23]

i had such a wild day in the ER

[audiomessage13:25]

here [13:26]

WOW ahahahahah

here [13:26]

you scared me for a sec

here [13:26]

that's insane

It struck her, the speed at which her attention

sharpens when facing the possibility of urgency,

when she may be needed. Yet she thinks of the

reliability at which her attention immediately drifts,

when the interruption is driven by leisure or love.

She considers how aimless that is.

Hello,ThankyouforyourpatienceasIsortedoutmyschedule.Herearesomeavailabilities:

here [16:34]

Look at this article

here [16:34]

Things are starting to feel out of control

here [16:34]

I don't know what to do

there [22:35]

Time to move back??

Her leg starts falling asleep from being in the same

position for too long. She never knows what to say

when she is asked this, anyhow. The cultural

asymmetry that paralyzed her when she first moved

away now makes her doubt the inevitability of

home. She watches as her relationships shift—and

now lets them. She stands up and leans on the sink,

an attempt at relief from the shooting pain in her

toes. Cursing herself, she remembers a video she

saw somewhere saying sitting on the toilet for over

10 minutes was bad for you. She can’t recall the

specifics.

here [17:01]

Sorry I got distracted

here [17:01]

and forgot to finish my thought

there [23:01]

All good, I have to go to bed anyways

there [23:01]

Long day tomorrow!

there [23:01]

Let’s keep talking about this later

She sees her existence as discontinuous—brief

connections severed and shifted along two parallel

timelines. She cannot shake the feeling that

geography drives the progress of her relationships.

Where she is not, love crystallizes, immovable,

unchangeable, ungrowable, until she finally decides

to release them with a retreat.

missedcall[08:12]

missedcall[08:13]

here [08:13]

Dad pick up

here [08:13]

I just saw the news

here [08:13]

Is everyone ok??

missedcall[08:14]

here [08:14]

Are you home

missedcall[08:15]

here [08:15]

Dad pick up please

missedcall[08:15]

missedcall[08:16]

missedcall[08:17]

here [08:26]

We’re ok ma chérie. We were out walking the dog. We’ll call you back in a bit.

She has been drowning under a schedule of her own

design, driven by her incapability of declining, a

defining flaw.

there [19:43]

hey can we talk

[read13:44]

She grows increasingly frustrated by the pressures

of splitting her time. The jump cuts between her life

and the love she has for others, witnessed in stolen

moments. She is half of a whole, half intelligent,

half funny, half loving, half here, half there. She is,

she thinks, not enough.

here [14:27]

sure whats up

She convinces herself she can't possibly have time

to spare: time to laugh at the joke, time to talk about

nothing at all for three hours on the phone. The

non-consensual nature of long distance

communication goes undisputed, evidenced by the

understanding that there are no alternatives. The

strain from the required accessibility to her attention

at any hour of the day, regardless of context, wears

her down.

there [20:28]

Just had a bad fight

there [20:28]

I think we may have broken up

Dependably, remorse sets back in. She loses the

sanctimonious belief in the anger she has nurtured

over the course of years, or perhaps, within the last

10 minutes. She again becomes incongruous here,

precisely because she is vanishing there. The

infinite cycle—love interrupting her day, day

disrupting her devotion—perhaps reveals the true

burden of independence.

callstarted[14:29]

callended[17:56]

here [17:56]

I love you

here [17:56]

It'll pass

here [17:56]

I promise

She is excitedly recounting a story to the man she

loves as they walk hand in hand to their

neighborhood coffee shop where the clientèle has

gotten progressively more monolithic over the

years. Trash skitters along the gutters in a gust of

icing wind as she confides that she's finally caught

her stride after a decade here. Did he ever think that

somehow, although the weather is cold, she has

never minded New York winter because of the

brightness. Winter out west is so much nicer

though, her love interjects. She tells him she finds

the perpetuity of it mind numbing. He preemptively

thinks, you know, he’ll probably, at some point,

have to move there for work. The subtext hangs

between them. Doesn't he understand her aversion

to that place? Everything is right here, can’t he see.

And she’s already so far from home. They can

figure it out, but like, he can’t expect her to drop

everything and move another three time zones

away. It’s ok, they can cross that bridge when they

come to it. She wonders if he comprehends what it’s

like loving a sister as much as she does, and having

to accept the reduction of their relationship to a

string of absentminded texts and bi-annual visits?

He tells her she is stubborn. She still refuses to even

give it a chance. Her withdrawal urges him to stop,

she despises arguing on the street. She is unable to

articulate the landscape of her homesickness, in a

borrowed tongue, to a man who has never had to

reconcile with absence as presence.

missedcall[15:04]

missedcall[15:05]

missedcall[15:06]

here [15:07]

hey

here [15:08]

i can't talk right now

here [15:08]

ill call you back later

there [21:06]

yoyoyo whats up

there [21:06]

answer me

there [21:06]

i need your advice on something

She doesn't call back. She can’t bear sharing her

mundane, convoluted unhappiness with the biased.

The appearance of steadfastness deceives both the

audience and performer alike.

here [03:22]

Hey! Sorry I missed this text somehow

She is listening to her friend rant beautifully about

the mundane. They finally got together for happy

hour, after rescheduling and rain checking back and

forth a few times. She glances at her phone, which

flashes with a request from over there.

there [23:12]

Which one do you like better? Can’t decide

She looks away from her device, reigns in her focus

to the conversation at hand, driven by a conviction

in the necessity of undivided presence. Yet, a fissure

takes shape in her attention and slowly widens—

these gaps, she reflects, have become embedded in

the very foundation of the person she is now.

Perhaps relationships were always meant to be

pulled apart, by distance and by time, allowing for

more surface to be covered, offering care more

permanence and stability. She thinks of how adult

love might simply be an expression of splitting and

tearing moments into many little pieces, and

sending them back, scattered one by one into the

atmosphere. Ultimately, she misses the window to

give her advice on which outfit to wear. Guiltily,

she glances at her phone once more, and fails to

notice the almost imperceptible sign of

disappointment on her friend’s face, sitting across

from her at the bar, too.

AnsweredInterruptions